Lose Yourself
by medium.cool
Summary: Damon's POV on some of the events that take place in 2x20.  Not a happy story. T for language.


_A/N: Hey, so I have not written any stories for years. I was just so sad and frustrated after this last episode. I really felt for Damon. I'm not 100% on this story but I feel better after writing it. If it's really terrible I'll just go back to be a great admirer for all the really talented writers out there. :)_

I couldn't remember feeling so trapped, so hopeless. I felt almost human in this unbreakable despair. Having spent the past 145+ years trying to bury emotions and feelings, the recent opening of the floodgates was too much for me to process. Even though being a vampire means I'm already dead any emotions we do feel are heighten it's almost ironically like being a superhuman.

My thoughts only lead me back to when they took Katherine away. The pain of her "death" and losing her for all those years. I couldn't handle it then to the point I had to become a monster to escape myself. But, Elena...damn it.

Fuck.

Just fuck her. I hate her for doing this to me. For telling me to feel again, to become human. I don't want to feel. Feeling sucks. All the pain and grief I had buried so deep inside of me had emerged again. On top of that shit was this annoying love I had for her. Why? Why? Why are this whole fucking Earth did I have to love the one girl I could never have? Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with me? I must be a masochist.

I know why she loves Stefan. I know that he deserves her and I don't but it still hurts. It's choking me. The pain. My thoughts are everywhere and I can't think clearly. It's destroying me.

But...

When I hear her come upstairs and into my room. When I hear her soft voice, almost instantly my hatred is replaced again by a wave of indescribable emotion. Love, yearning, frustration, desire...

"I need you to understand why I'm doing this", I hear her voice say but I refuse to listen. How could she ask me to be okay with her death?

"It clearly doesn't matter what I think", I say with as much snark as I can muster at the moment. I just don't understand why she can't see that trusting Elijah is a bad idea. We have no proof that anything he says is true. And he still needs Bonnie to kill Klaus, as I recall this was my idea first. I'm so frustrated I can't help finding myself adding more snark to my words. I can barely control my emotions. And then I don't and my emotions overtake me. It's like I'm watching myself as I step in front of her. She seems confused until she sees my fangs. Her face changes into one of horror as she realizes what I'm about to do. I don't care. I don't give a shit what she wants. What about me? What about my feelings? Why can't I ever have anything? For once, I'm making a choice for what I want.

I don't know why I did it. Well, I do know. I just don't know why I thought it would be a good idea. Having her drink my blood I know is the only way she would be able to live longer. Stefan was right I of all people know how much it means to be forced to drink. The resentment, the torture of being forced on when you want to let go. And for her to be a monster, a vampire when she never wanted to. I know that feeling. I know. But I am not forcing her to be a vampire. I admit the thought of her and Stefan together forever, makes my stomach clench up in knots. But it would give her more time. Even just one more hour to fight. I just wasn't ready to let her go. I know it's selfish of me. But I'm so damn sick of being unselfish. For once, I wanted to do something for myself.

But after I glanced over to her, with my hands gripping the lamp post that was plunged into Stefan, I was overcome with horror, with remorse. I have never seen her eyes so hurt, so cold, so shocked. So betrayed. I stood up shakily and stumbled out. I needed a drink.

"She's never going to forgive you", Elijah said calmly. "And never for a vampire is a very long time..." his voice trailed off. The reality of what I did just sunk in even deeper. I needed to get out of the house. To drink my pain away as much as possible. The worst part was the pain was the hatred I felt for myself.

"Damon...Damon!" I woke up to see brown eyes and silky dark locks hover over my body. For a split second I thought it was Elena but I knew it was too good to be true it was Katherine.

I didn't understand why I was still there. I couldn't even sacrifice myself properly! Ha. Another fail. "Why didn't he use me?" I hear the confusion in my voice.

"Damon, he said you were as good as dead" Katherine's words snap me back out of my daze. She grabs my arm and pulls it forward. "What is this Damon?" I follow her gaze down to my arm to see the now festering wound. The werewolf bite.

I know I should be shocked or upset. Or something. The only thing I can feel though is resignation. I'm not a hero. I screwed-up once again. The last thing Elena will think of when she thinks of me is of a monster. I'm gonna die. For nothing. My thoughts race and I realize what a pointless existence I've lead. So much time wasted being fueled by resentment and hatred.

I just...I just don't wanna die with her hating me. Fuck. All I can think about is her soft hands holding mine, and her warm brown eyes telling me I won't lose her and she was going to come back. But now I don't think either of us will. It's too late.

I've lost her. I've lost myself.


End file.
